Why staying in on NYE is the best (and definitely not pathetic)

December 31, 2016
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I’ve honestly never heard anyone say “I had the best NYE! What a great night!” I’ve also never heard anyone say “NYE was lit AF what a woke night FR”, but that’s mostly because I’m 22 and hang out in libraries.  Regardless, NYE is the worst night of both years combined and, come this 31st of December, there is no better way to say goodbye to 2016 than by staying in and doing what you’ve done all year anyway – binge-watch Westworld and eat overpriced popcorn.

Your bank account will thank you

NYE is never cheap. Going anywhere that has a proper photographer (to capture those uncandid candids and make it look like you had a better night than you actually did) is going to set you back at least $100 a ticket. And that’s not to mention the outfit required for the (usually ridiculous) theme. I’m looking at you ‘Secret Garden Oasis’- what even are you??

Then factor in the $20 cocktails and the post-midnight kebab splurge and you’ve got yourself spending a month’s rent money. Instead, grab yourself a cheap bottle of champagne, *legally* download a Boxing Day release and enjoy yourself knowing you can afford food for the next few weeks.

You expect nothing and are still disappointed

If you’re heading into the Big Smoke, it’s pretty much guaranteed you’ll lose your group and, subsequently, all hope of having a good night. Of course there’s always the spontaneous best friends you make in the thirty-minute line for the bathroom. You forgot their names but at least you’ve got the bathroom selfies to remember them by! House parties are equally stressful too. There is always some girl’s ex’s high school girlfriend’s cousin that drops some bombshell or turns up uninvited and leaves someone crying. You know what never disappoints? Brie. Brie and Netflix. In your pyjamas.

The concept of a midnight kiss is AWFUL

The midnight kiss is consistently the worst part of NYE. Let’s look at the math: 

One reminder you’re single + one person that you’ve known for x minutes + a lot of tongue = instant regret.

And that doesn’t even capture the pre-midnight game play. There’s always someone that ‘lays the groundwork’ around 9pm, then follows it up with a preliminary ‘check-in’ at 10.30pm and then at 11.45pm they’ve got you alone in the kitchen with t-minus 15 minutes to seal the deal.

Every NYE we cleanse our memories and vow never to do it again, but this year there’s one sure-fire protection against uncomfortable romantic encounters- a fluffy blanket! Stay on your couch, sushi roll yourself in and avoid your roommate’s brother’s mate Craig cornering you near the goon punch bowl.

Getting home is 10/10 not worth it

New Year’s Eve, and the morning after, sees some of the highest rates of drunk/drugged driving accidents of the year. Not to mention the traffic. Or the surge prices on Uber. And even if public transport is running, you’re lucky to come out clean and/or unoffended. On the other hand, there is no journey more leisurely than from the couch to your bed. Especially if you’re wearing fluffy socks. And why wouldn’t you be? Amirite?!

“What if I enjoy rampant alcoholism and awkward sexual encounters?” I hear you ask. Don’t stress! Australia Day and Valentines are just around the corner! So ditch the New Year’s hype and stay home this year. You won’t beliEVE how good it is.

Danica Lamb

Danica is a Laws Masters kid at UWA. She enjoys cheap coffee and 80s pop music.

Image: Giphy