Why one night stands are overrated

May 13, 2016
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Despite studies that show we are generally getting it on a whole lot less than our rents were at our age, it is my firm belief that we still love a good shag, whether it's with someone we’ve known for five years or five hours.

It’s those sneaky, one-off occurrences, however, that tend to go either way. Sometimes, they can be life changing, uninhibited and can totally liberate you. But they can also be, to be frank, complete horseshit and make you wish you’d committed to abstinence years ago.

The painfully awkward morning after

The problem with having sex with someone who you have only known for five hours is that you’ve only known him or her for five hours. Odds are you were probably somewhere between tipsy and appropriately drunk when you met, and haven’t really thought this one out.

You do the deed, and wake up the next morning and BAM last night’s misadventure is lying right next to you. Do you take them out for breakfast? Do you hurry and find them a way home or find yourself a way home? What do you talk about? Do you talk at all? See, a one-night stand probably isn’t worth all that anxiety.

Drunken sex is rarely that good

As previously noted, you were probably drunk which also means you were probably shit in bed. People often think drunken sex is better than sober sex, and in some ways it is. You are far less inhibited and give far less shits about what exactly goes down under the sheets.

However, there are so many more inconveniences that can go down while you’re getting down. I don’t know about you but needing to vomit mid-bang doesn’t exactly scream ‘sexy’, tripping over a stray sneaker or heel on your way to the bed isn’t the best foreplay and ignoring your phone with all your friends messaging you with “Where are you!?!” or “Answer your phone, I’m worried!!” could possibly lead to a missing persons search. Better to save yourself the trouble.

STIs!!!!!!

I’m not sure if you know this but PEOPLE CAN AND HAVE LIED ABOUT CONTRACTING STIS IF THEY THINK IT MIGHT AFFECT THEIR CHANCES OF GETTING LAID, let alone clouded judgement because of potential inebriation.

More to the point, some people don’t even get tested because God knows why. If you’re having a one-night stand, please remember to use some form of protection. If you’re worried you might not be able to remember this at the start of the night, it’s a sign you probably shouldn’t be having sex – one night out without getting laid won’t kill you.

Running into the other person

Ever walked into a club and you immediately spot like five people you’ve slept with? It’s not a great feeling mainly because you’re probably going to implode from the painfully awkward small talk you may have to endure, unless the other person is super cool in which case good for you! But, there is a possibility that you might not be that lucky so preventative action must be taken.

God forbid you catch feelings and they don’t

Remember that movie Friends with Benefits with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis? And that other movie No Strings Attached with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman? And any other romantic comedy ever made? Yeah, these movies are seldom completely fictitious – they do so well because folks all over the world can relate to similar cases of catching the feels.

Jackson Langford

Jackson is studying a Bachelor of Communication degree at the University of Newcastle and is the rightful heir to the throne.

Image: Matthew Romack, Flickr Creative Commons license

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