Uni life as explained by Donald Trump

March 20, 2017
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There’s plenty advice out there about how to “nail” uni, but hearing the same things over and over again can get a bit dull. So, we thought we’d shake things up a bit by giving you some tips from the point of view of everyone’s favourite Cantaloupe-in-Chief, President Donald Trump.

He might sport a hairdo made of string-cheese and the temperament of a racist bushpig, but you have to admit, the guy’s got a way with words.

On attending lectures

Lectures are so important, it’s unbelievable, really. If you don’t attend lectures, let me tell you – your grades are going to be so bad, you’re going to make Hillary Clinton look like Vladimir Putin.

Tutorial participation

Speak up, folks. Participation is key, believe me. I saw people on The Apprentice, people who could have gone all the way, and they lost because they never opened their mouths. But that’s what I get for believing in a six. 

So, look, you need to speak up. Even if people look at what you say and call it “racist” or “a credible threat to public safety”, you can’t let those politically correct fat-cats keep you silent. Who cares if the tutors don’t like your answers? Their qualifications are way overrated, believe me. I’m doing background checks as we speak.

Money

Even though my IQ is one of the highest – like, at least 10.5 Qs higher than that wheelchair guy’s – let me tell you, anyone can get rich, provided they’re not a loser.

Speaking of losers, some people will tell you the key to healthy finances is to budget carefully and live below your means. But let me tell you the real way to achieve financial independence:

Step one: be rich.

Step two: don’t be not rich.

Step three: hide your tax obligations within a labyrinthine network of shell companies and offshore bank accounts.

Step four: send the bill to Taco-land.

Work-life balance

If I didn’t take time off occasionally, I would have the energy and complexion of a raw turnip. I would look like that Stalinist loser Bernie Sanders.

Now, with university, you look at what happened in Sweden the other day, you look at Bowling Green with, you know, uni students dying. I think maybe a hundred, maybe half a million uni students died last week. It’s bedlam! And people call me and they say, “Donald, how do we stop this?” And I say – this is what I say, folks – I say two words: “Take. Time. Off.”

Personally, if you want to relax, I recommend getting up at 3AM, getting on your solid-gold toilet, and dropping Tweet after Tweet until some hateful loser calls you a bigot. It’s so relaxing.

Exercise

I do a tremendous amount, let me tell you – a tremendous amount – of exercise, folks. I have abs, I have the best abs, and like I tried to tell Obama, you would too if you just got out and did some exercise.

It’s terrific for your metabolism, it’s good for your sleep, and it will help you chase down immigrants when they try and steal your jobs.

Writing essays

First off, it is physically impossible to overuse the word “tremendous”. Trust me, I checked with Trump University, it’s a fact.

Second, you need to keep things interesting. For example, I once read a research paper saying that seven per cent of all minorities are involved in low-level crime – who wants to read that? By contrast, my essay explores the very troubling reality of 170 per cent of minorities committing mass murder on a daily basis. As I keep telling the Treasury department, when in doubt, round up.

And remember: anything below a HD is fake news.

Joel Svensson

Business major, journalism minor and freelance writer, Joel pretends to be clever at La Trobe University.

Image: Daniella Urdinlaiz, Flickr Creative Commons license

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