The ultimate guide on how to be a Fuckboy
This article was written for humour-related purposes only. Neither Hijacked nor the author actually endorse treating people like shit.
Are you a male in the exciting phase of uni life wanting to know how to pull chicks? Are you a female who’s had it up to here and a little bit more with the despairing state of (non-existent) romantic treatment and want to take matters into your own hands? Welcome to Fuckboy 101, a comprehensive guide to being a fuckboy and nailing them… I mean, it.
Look the part
To begin, you should get a haircut with both sides of your head shaved but leave the top. Here you can incorporate a man bun if you so wish. Douse yourself in expensive cologne, roll up your skin-tight chinos, sleeves and own durries because you’re just so much more authentic, and don your best pair of Ray-Bans. Make sure you wear shoes with no socks because socks are totally lame. Now you’re ready to go outside in public.
Perfect your messaging style
When it comes to messaging like a Fuckboy, less is definitely more. Keep it on Facebook – having someone’s actual number is just too much commitment.
It’s time to shorten all your words and get affiliated with that emoji keyboard. Curate a go-to booty message (because no one actually calls these days): wyd is always a good one that gets the point across. When in doubt of what to say or when you’re way too plastered to spell, sending the emoji combo peach-eggplant-squirt gets straight to the point and displays your no-fuss attitude. It’s all about time efficiency.
Do drink and pick up
The golden rule of “Nothing good happens after 2am” has been disproved by the Fuckboy, who makes his best pulls in the wee hours of the morning when he has consumed a large amount of alcohol. Ensure that when it’s time to leave the club, you drunk message any potential hook-ups you met that night and, if there is no one new available, drunkenly contact all past encounters.
Always use being drunk as an excuse for everything you do. Sending an apology message the following morning is always a nice touch. You are a gentleman after all.
You need to browse before you buy.
When you see someone you slept with in public, pretend you don’t recognise them
Did we do a class together? Wait, you go to this uni right? I know I message you but I’m actually incapable of talking to you IRL. I’m sorry, I can’t be seen with you in this club right now, I’m really trying to get in someone else’s pants and talking to you might not make me seem 100 per cent available. But you’re great; if this doesn’t work out I’ll drunk message you at 2am yeah?
Salt bae, breadcrumb bae; sprinkle multiple trails for all your conquests to follow. Like their photos on Facebook and occasionally message them, ‘cause you never know when you might need something from someone.
If there’s anything better than one Fuckboy, it’s a group of Fuckboys. Strength in numbers is a valid lesson and your group of bois/gals are excellent to help guard you from awkward situations with the opposite sex, eg. when all the people you’re banging turn up at the club. Melt into your crowd for protection and to avoid conversing with someone you’re dogging/have previously dogged, use the excuse “I’ll be back soon, I’m just checking on so-and-so.” Situation successfully avoided.
Grace studies Communications & Media at the University of Wollongong and is an avid fan of Harry Potter and coffee.