The six stages of the uni pub crawl

March 31, 2017
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Let’s face it, the start of uni just wouldn’t be complete without undertaking the revered tradition that is the pub crawl. It’s like college hazing, but taken to a whole new (admittedly very Aussie) extreme. We’d be worried if you said weren’t nervous. But fear not, guys, because your friendly neighbourhood me is here with the low-down on what you can expect from a pub crawl. There will be shots, there will be awkward conversations and you’re probably going to love every second of it.

Stage 1: Standing outside the first stop for a solid ten minutes as you try to talk yourself into going in

You feel your heart beating desperately in your chest, though you can’t really pinpoint why. It could be the fact that you’re about to get blind drunk with a group of strangers or you could just be trying to figure out how the pub crawl became such a hallowed tradition within uni culture. Whatever the reason, you just need to focus on putting one font in front of the other. Your body might hate you in the morning, but you’re about to make friends that may last you a lifetime.

Stage 2: Dying inside as you’re forced to make sober small talk

This is pretty much the worst part of the evening; when everyone is stone-cold sober and forced to introduce themselves to each other without the benefits of being tipsy. If you’re flying solo on the pub crawl, combine that feeling with knowing literally no-one else and it can make you feel like packing it in and heading home to the comfort of Netflix and pizza. Trust me, everyone else is thinking the exact same thing. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that things can only go uphill from here. Plus, if everything works out as planned, no one’s going to remember this part of the night anyway.

Stage 3: Doing shots with your newfound BFFs so you don’t have to try and keep up with the conversation

Psh, you didn’t sign up for this thing to participate in semi-sober conversations about life, man. Philosophy is definitely better left in the lecture hall on this occasion. You came to drink and that means that everybody in your newfound group of BFFs better hustle and down those shots you graciously ordered for them. See, isn’t that much better? Less talkie, more drinky is always a foolproof plan.

Stage 4: Breaking the seal

Uh-oh, you forgot the first rule of drinking: never break the seal if you can help it. Once you do there’s no going back and you’d better be prepared to spend the rest of the evening waiting in line for the bathroom. Tell nature to wait until you’re ready to wind down or face the completely fun-sucking consequences. Don’t say we didn’t warn you, fam.

Stage 5: Inviting your new squad over to your place for a midnight Maccas feast

Ah the midnight Maccas run, arguably the most important aspect of any good pub crawl. It’s not only the perfect time to fill your stomach with terrible, greasy food but also to celebrate the newfound friendships you’ve totally just cemented forever. There’s just nothing like a night of good, drunken shenanigans to kick-start your uni social career. Enjoy the fruits of your hard work, you deserve it.

Stage 6: The hangover. Oh god, the hangover

Guys, who decided that pub crawls were actually a good idea? You feel simultaneously like you’ve been hit by a truck and contracted the worst flu ever. So not worth it. This is also about the time you tell yourself that you’re never going to drink again – the mantra of every student after social events and grades release night. Oh my sweet summer child, how little you’ve learned. Round two is happening in only a week.

Shannon Coward

Shannon Coward is a fourth year Bachelor of Journalism and Bachelor of Arts student at the University of Queensland. She enjoys period dramas, doughnuts and a good nap.

Image: Valeriy Belobeev, Flickr Creative Commons license