The petty turn-offs that are actually dating deal breakers

June 23, 2017
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Picture this: you’re walking out of your lecture and find yourself in-step with the ridiculously hot (but unfortunately part-time) guy in your cohort as you’re both heading to grab a coffee. There is some flirtatious small talk on the way and at the café he pulls out his wallet and orders a “Flat white – extra milky”.

You recoil.

Your smile drops.

You feel the sexual desire in the pit of your stomach fizzle, burn and implode on itself.

How could I have ever imagined a complete hypothetical future of a mortgage and two kids with someone who orders excessively milky coffee?

Excessively milky hot beverages may be an extreme example, but it’s not the only petty turn off that is a complete dating deal breaker.

Spelling Bae

"Your cute" = nooooooooo thank you, goodbye.

The way someone communicates over text is important. At any age over 20, you should know the difference between your/you're and they're/there/their etc. We all make spelling mistakes – I am certainly guilty of being unable to spell sovereignty without aid – but there is no way confusion can still exist in the ‘your’ spelling arena.

Using 'ur' isn't an escape route either. Words exist for a reason, so use them and construct a full sentence. Even worse is when everything is communicated through niche abbreviations that I have to Google to understand. GTFO srsly. SMH.

Excessive Facebook/Snapchat/Instagram

Anyone aged 15-27 is already severely addicted to social media so when you’re *extra* addicted, that’s really saying something. Interact with the alive and breathing human in front of you instead of pedantically tallying how many likes you got on your latest post.

Beyond that, my attraction will definitely cease if those posts are passive aggressive and intentionally directed at someone. It’s immature, seriously off-putting and guaranteed to get you changing your FB relationship to single – although you’d probably count the amount of ‘likes’ that got too.

Crazy texting

The only person allowed to leave me five voicemails and 10 unread texts is my mum at 5.01pm when I told her I’d call at 5pm. I hate being left on ‘seen’ just as the next girl, but the opposite of excessive messaging is even worse. We each have our own things going on and we’re old enough not to be sitting on our phones all day (questionable, I know) so if you’re upset I didn’t reply within 0.01 seconds, prepare to be disappointed. Plus, it’ll make the occasional snap or message so much better when it’s daily, not hourly.

Loud and/or open mouth eating

This is so serious I’m not sure if it can really be classed as ‘petty’. There is something so inherently hair raising about the sound of someone loudly eating that I know you can probably hear it in your head right now and just want this sentence to end. Unfortunately, dating someone means that you’ll frequently have to share meals together and watch/hear the atrocity rather than just put them in the solitary confinement they deserve for being unable to masticate in line with socially accepted norms.

“I’m so enlightened!”

Anyone that treats crystals, moon cycles, a paleo diet or their gym routine as a religion/ spiritual journey and consequently broadcasts their journey propaganda over social media is due for a spiritual awakening. Having a healthy, spiritual lifestyle is A-OK but moderation is key. If we’re fighting and you’re blaming it on the ‘high tide’ I will promptly remove myself from the relationship.

It sounds awful, but I would rather be alone than with someone who disrespects a cup of coffee. Sorry Hot Part-Time Guy - it just isn’t meant to be.

Danica Lamb

Danica is a Laws Masters kid at UWA. She enjoys cheap coffee and 80s pop music.

Image: Giphy

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