The people you shouldn't social media stalk (but still will)

July 07, 2017
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I’m pretty sure social media was just invented just to stalk people. Not stalk in a creepy way, but stalk in a I-wonder-what-they’re-up-to-oh-look-I’m-a-year-deep-in-their-old-roommates-pet’s-profile kind of way.

Some of us will go in head first and stalk from our own profiles, and some of us will go all CIA and stalk from a side profile or fake account just to cover all basis and make sure we’re never discovered.

Either way, it’s universal. But maybe, just maybe, there are some people we shouldn’t be spying on. But then again, I’m sure as hell not going to stop my creeping, so no judgement here if these people are in your search bar.

The person your friend likes

True friends know that as soon as a name is mentioned, a good social media stalk is inevitable, if only to tell them that: 1) they will never be good enough for your friend and they shouldn’t even bother trying, or 2) that this new person is amazing and your friend needs to get in there.

Problem is, you may not know them and Facebook does that annoying thing where you may come up as someone they may know after you’ve stalked them. Sucks to be your friend #NoRagrets.

Your ex

Stalking an ex can be a bit of a trip down memory lane which can either leave you feeling super good, or super miserable. Sure, it’s great when you have a quick stalk and see that their life is miserable without you and they’ve gotten super fat, but what about if they’ve started dating a super model, or worse, your doppelganger? It’s not going to stop anyone, but it’s risky behaviour and really should come with a warning sign attached. Get on it Facebook.

Exes of your significant other

It can be hard to resist the temptation of stalking your Wiener Cousin or seeing who’s in the same club as you. We all know it’s never going to lead to anything good, but that doesn’t stop us from just checking to see what they’re up to and just making sure that they haven’t gotten ridiculously hot. Or even just what they’re up to. Or what they ate for breakfast. Or what they thought of Greece when they went three years ago. It’s a deep dive, just don’t double tap.

The cool guy/girl from school

Purely an exercise in comparison, these people were so amazingly popular and cool growing up that you just have to see if they’ve still got it.

Most likely to post pictures of themselves living it up in Europe and always wearing new clothes, while you’re here scrolling through and trying and figure out where they get the money to live their crazy extravagant lifestyle. Hate to break it to you, but no amount of stalking is going to reveal their secrets, maybe they’re just magic.

The hate stalk

You’re not really sure why you follow them, or, if you don’t want to give them the satisfaction of an extra follower, why you routinely check up on them, but ever since you started you can’t really stop. Before you know it, you’re checking up on their stupid face to make sure their life is still fake and their ratio is still awful.

It’s definitely not healthy behaviour, but it’s a fun little hobby, even if it’s just to make sure that you’re still a million times better than their fake profile with ever be.

Anne Rathbone

Anne is a law student at Flinders University, who spends way too much time with her cat and not enough with actual humans.

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