The main similarities between Trump's win and a rebound relationship

December 16, 2016
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I recently got dumped. He told me he didn’t love me anymore. At the same time, the Global Financial Crisis happened (and the bankers who caused it avoided jail), Obamacare failed, unemployment spiked, children were being shot in their elementary schools and China (“Gchyna”) was set to become the new world hegemon.

Of course, the natural instinct after all this is to rebound. So while I found a sixth-year Med student, the voting populous of the US found a 70-year-old reality TV businessman and now we both have some ‘splaining to do.

That really showed ‘em!

I was angry and upset. The person I placed my faith in, my future in, had abandoned me – so I can totally empathise with the U.S. They had been left unemployed with financing wars that cost money and lives and felt unprotected by a government they took pride in.

So what else is there to do but rebound? Prove to yourself (and your ex) that you can do better. You’re not going to sit down and take this. And damn, does it feel GOOD when you do. You’re at the dance floor/voting booth and you lock eyes/tick the box and your lips touch/the Republicans get elected into the House of Representatives, Senate and Presidential Office.

Of course, the natural instinct after all this is to rebound. So while I found a sixth-year Med student, the voting populous of the US found a 70-year-old Reality TV Businessman and now we both have some ‘splaining to do.

And we tell ourselves “He seems so different! He’s promising me things I didn’t even know I could have!” Suddenly you find yourself giggly when he sends you goodnight texts, or when he promises tax reform. You think maybe, just maybe, you’ve found what you were missing all this time…

…But its short lived

All the things you told yourself wouldn’t happen so you could sleep at night have come to fruition. He starts ignoring your texts, or global consensus on man-made climate change. He promised he would look after you because you’re emotionally fragile/a Caucasian low income earner, but it turns out his plans for the next four years don’t include you.

Those tax breaks? It’s a 15 per cent cut for corporates mostly. Taking the government out of deficit? He’s planning on subsidising oil and gas companies. Oh, and raising tariffs to 35 per cent on foreign imports to “create domestic jobs”? That’s not how economics works pal. If you increase the price of cheap goods bought by the poor, it only makes them poorer.

So you start thinking back...

Your heart fills with memories about how good things used to be with your ex. The laughter, the warmth and the love. He drove around the whole suburb picking flowers for you! They got the troops out of Afghanistan!

He promised he would look after you because you’re emotionally fragile/a Caucasian low income earner, but it turns out his plans for the next four years don’t include you.

But for all the love you have for them, it’s important to realise that things weren’t always hunky-dory with them either. Remember that time you started watching a TV series together and then he finished it without you?! There were promises of paid parental leave, free community college, an increase in minimum wage and gun control too! But it never happened. Rebound Guy isn’t great, but your ex was far from perfect too.

So now you’re lying awake in bed, wondering how you got yourself into this situation and how you’re going to get through the next four years. I’m not the expert, but I think “you do you” is a good place to start. If your President-elect doesn’t believe in global warning, it doesn’t stop you trying to save electricity or reduce your water use. If some idiot isn’t texting you back, leave your phone at home and go for a walk. Grab life by the pussy and rebound with yourself! Then the next thing you know, you’ll be ready for the next candi-date.

Danica Lamb

Danica is a Laws Masters kid at UWA. She enjoys cheap coffee and 80s pop music.

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