The five types of guys you'll meet on Tinder

September 21, 2016
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After a momentary exchange of peer pressure and a devilish air of curiosity, I had a brief dabble with Tinder last week. Turns out I’ve watched one too many Love Actually films, deleting the dating app to instead aspire to meet someone in the flesh.

However, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t fun. In my short exchange, I noticed a few peculiar things. Firstly, there seems to be an unofficial agreement within the Tinder cult that no one really admits to being on the app. Well I’ll let you in on a little secret, everyone is on it.

The second thing I noticed on Tinder, standing out like a Supré top amongst a Country Road collection, is that every guy in the whole entire world has a dog. And not just any kind of dog, but the most ridiculously adorable puppies that I can only imagine smell like heaven mixed with the new Issey Miyake cologne.

There also seems to be five types of guys you meet on Tinder (excuse the generalisations)…

The guy who spends more time looking in the mirror than the Evil Queen in Snow White

White collared shirt buttoned down half way. Tick. Hair styled with 468376482 kilos of gel. Tick. A face that has no expression on it. Tick. While it’s important to care about your health, and honest to say that most of us care about how we look to some extent, we shouldn’t let our appearance be the focal point of our entire day. And truthfully, I don’t want to date a guy who showers more then me.

The Uncle

Much like puppies, babies have a rather large presence on Tinder, photographed candidly while their uncle holds them protectively. On the exterior we can gather that these guys are family men or just nice guys who will call you back.

However, the implicit message is pointing directly to societies’ inherent belief that as females, we must all one day want babies, and will only be truly fulfilled once we do so. Did they not read Jenifer Aniston’s recent essay on how fed up she is with the mainstream media continually making out she isn’t happy or successful or complete, or god forbid, a woman, without a baby?

So a message to all the males out there with baby pictures trying to make females clucky. We are not falling for it. I am not falling for it!

(Note: the baby was pretty cute, though.)

The guy "just in town for the weekend”

There’s a difference between people on Tinder who are actually looking to meet new people and date, and well, people who’re just in town for the weekend. And while one night stands are not a new phenomenon, Tinder has made it overtly accessible. Tinder has drawn out all the romance of it, in the same way Dementors sucked away all of Harry’s happiness. So if you were one of the ones listing “sex” as a hobby alongside the line that you're only staying in town for a night, I didn’t bat an eyelid swiping left.

The Personal Trainer/Surfer

If you gathered empirical research from all the job descriptions on Tinder, you would probably come to the conclusion that close to ALL men on the planet are personal trainers. And if they're not a PT, then they’re a full-time musician, surfer, doctor or yoga teacher. Now I’ll be the first to put my hand up to say I appreciate a toned bicep, but there’s got to be some other professions out there. Where are all the IT specialists! The garbage truck men! The people who make vacuum cleaners!

Either there are some guys out there with noses as big as Pinocchio's or we’re about to see a proliferation in gyms, boot camps, and gym selfies. Oh wait…

The Gem!

Every now and then you stumble (or swipe) across a guy whose bio makes you chuckle, photos look “normal” and smile makes you feel warm. These are the people you want to swipe right to, on the off chance that they want to speak to you too.

Maybe it won’t go anywhere, but maybe you decide to meet up and go for a swim or a beer. And maybe, just maybe, you both think the other one is the bee’s knees and keep hanging out. And that’s what we’re all hoping for, why millions of people are using Tinder each day. Because at the end of the day we’re all just looking to find someone cool and special. And I suppose Tinder is just one new age, seamless way to see all the incredible, colourful and eccentric people in this world of ours.

Just be discerning, and get prepared to see the puppy photos.

Avril Treasure

Avril studies Journalism at Notre Dame in Sydney. In her spare time she enjoys playing cards with her grandfather, drinking one too many margaritas and pondering hypothetical questions.