The dos and don'ts of PDA on campus

November 13, 2014
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“Don’t have sex, because you’ll get pregnant and die. Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up… Just don’t do it, promise? OK, everybody take some rubbers.”

Most public displays of affection on campus won't offend, but there are certain acts that will. So please, no leg wrapping. No hands inside of waistbands. And definitely no slurping or sucking noises.

Do hold hands

As much as us single misanthropes despise seeing the happiness of a young couple in love, the occasional handhold won’t rustle our jimmies too much. A casual stroll between classes while interlocking fingers is a-OK.

Don’t mow down unsuspecting pedestrians with your vice-like grip

Holding hands is fine. Being fused together in a quantum lock to the point where you mow down pedestrians with your interlocked hands is not. If a person is coming toward you, it’s not cool to remain conjoined to the point that you garrotte the stranger in your desperate attempt to stay connected. If you’re so worried about your bae jumping ship on you if you let them go for even a moment, you might wanna reconsider your relationship.

Do kiss each other

A peck on the cheek or forehead between classes is totes adorable and socially acceptable. Anything involving saliva, visible tongue or – for the love of all that is holy – licking or biting is not OK. Keep it PG-13 peeps. Pretend your Gram Gram is observing you.

Don’t make noises

Slurping, sucking sounds should be reserved for eating soup and mangoes, not for macking on your better half at the back of your lecture. Also, any form of groaning, moaning or sharp intakes of breath are highly prohibited. If I hear this happening, I will automatically assume you are being assaulted and call campus security.

Do be affectionate

If you really must, I guess you can rub noses and butterfly kiss each other and generally be sickeningly cute or whatever. Just know that everyone is going to be judging you and they may (rightly) nickname you and your squeeze Ron Weasley and Lavender Brown. Can you live with that? You shouldn’t want to find out.

Don’t have dry sex in public

In an airport, I once saw a couple attempting to make amateur pornography with all their clothes on, sans camera. They then proceeded to get on the same plane, so it wasn’t even like they were saying goodbye and weren’t going to see each other for 10 years. The moral of the story is that grinding your bits all over each other should be reserved for the dark corners of your uni bar, not the hallway outside of your 9am tute. Just don’t.

Do leave room for Jesus

No leg wrapping. No hands inside of waistbands. Petting is for dogs and zoos, not for crowded uni cafeterias. Brief hugs are swell. Pushing each other up against walls like you’re practising a sweaty sex scene from a movie is not.

Don’t do the frick frack in the library stacks

“Ugh, why are the pages of this book all stuck together? Oh god.” Yeah, this thought should never have to cross the mind of any of your fellow students. Going to the top floor of the library and just hoping that no-one will interrupt you doing gland-to-gland combat is hopeful at best. If worse comes to worst…

Do get a room

If you really, really can’t wait to tear each other’s clothes off and hide the sausage, find a secure, private room where you won’t be disturbed. We hear the projection room above the auditorium is a winner.

Don’t give each other handies under the desk in class

Just… ugh. Don’t even think about it. I don’t care how kinky or forward you are as a couple, or how many times you’ve read Fifty Shades Of Grey. Subjecting other people to your vinegar strokes is not only downright ghastly, I’m pretty sure it constitutes a legitimate sex crime. For real. You will get arrested. Don’t do it.

Krystal Sutherland

Krystal Sutherland is a Worcestershire sauce addict and pyjama pant enthusiast. She studies English and creative writing at UNSW.

Image: Liam Cameron