Ten things real adults do (that I’m nowhere near achieving)

May 19, 2017
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Moving out of home for the first time was a reality check – I totally thought I had adulting down pat, even though I was living with my parents. I now realise that there are imitation adults, like myself, and real adults who actually have their shit sorted. These are all the things that real adults have covered that have been placed in my #TooHardBasket.

They have a colour theme to their home with matching furniture

When I told everyone I’d be moving out, I was inundated with requests to get people’s old shit out of their place. My housemates and I all got a whole bunch of stuff from our parents, including an old fridge, couches, a dining table and smaller stuff like random towels. That’s why absolutely nothing matches and it looks like an eclectic mess. Instead of looking cool and hip though, I just wish for the day I can afford to buy a fridge that doesn’t have permanent dents and scratches all over it. When you’re a proper adult, you actually have a theme going on and everything matches and actually looks good.

They take care of plants without killing them

Chances are they have way more plants too, what with being able to afford a house with an actual garden. Meanwhile our balcony plants are slowly dying and I even managed to kill a succulent, which I didn’t think was possible.

They enjoy trips to Bunnings to buy said plants

Bunnings is my least favourite place. The only way you could convince me to go to Bunnings is if you’re going to buy me a snag. Otherwise, it’s not a fun place if you don’t enjoy general house maintenance. Proper adults, on the other hand, thrive at Bunnings – it’s like what Ikea is to me (where you’ll find me in the child toys section).

They hang their clothes up or wash them after wearing them

I, on the other hand, permanently have a floordrobe or a chairdrobe where all my clean clothes pile up until they topple over. On that note…

They actually iron their clothes

They don’t even need to iron their clothes, since they’re hanging up all nice like that. Somewhere in the house there’s an iron that’s never been touched, because I just chuck clothes on and hope for the best.

They go to bed at a reasonable hour

Like, I don’t know, 10 or 11pm. When they actually start to feel tired. That would be the smart thing to do, instead of staying up until 3am watching SNL skits and videos of baby pandas. But I wouldn’t know anything about that…

They own more than one saucepan

In fact, they own more than one of a lot of things that would be quite handy. More than one set of cutlery, more than one set of sheets – life would be a lot easier, but that would be far too expensive.

They can discern a good wine from a bad wine

And they’ll spend a lot of money at a restaurant on one that they deem to be a good one. On the other hand this semi-functioning “adult” over here will choose the cheapest one on the menu and spend no more than $10 on a bottle of wine at the bottle shop. Instead of swirling to detect flavour notes, I’ll be adding Coca Cola to that Shiraz like the Spaniards do (that’s fancy, right?)

They own a credit card (and use it responsibly)

Being an adult means actually knowing how a credit card works and using it responsibly. Chopping up my credit card because I kept using it for online shopping sprees is the most responsible I’ll be when it comes to credit cards.

They buy groceries that make actual meals

That would make a lot of sense, wouldn’t it? I assume real adults have a list and a routine when it comes to grocery shopping, maybe a few staple meals in the back of their mind. My trips to the grocery store have always sounded something like this: I get overwhelmed, end up in the junk food aisle and leave with everything – except what I actually came for. The meals that follow are either pretty creative or straight-up Deliveroo.

Image: Clueless official Facebook page