Ten real Tinderventure stories that will make you cringe

June 01, 2017
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Some people are on Tinder for love, some for a hookup and some are just there for an ego boost. Whatever the reason, your date can either turn out to be a success story or a nightmare. And the nightmare ones are always more fun to hear. So, here are some Tinder nightmare stories to remind you there are worse things than being alone.

When feelings aren’t the only thing you’ll be catching

My first tinder date was a double date with his best friend and mine... The whole night was great till he crashed all of us into a tree in a ditch in the dead of winter. In A SMALL DIRT ROAD TOWN. The snow was so deep I couldn’t even open my door. I had to crawl out to figure out he totalled his car and all our phones were dead. I had to walk three miles in 18 degrees [Fahrenheit] weather with my best friend to get to our cars.

My second tinder date had herpes and didn’t tell me till three months after we started talking and I drove four hours to his college’s welcome week. After we had sex. Always use a condom, shit will save your life.

Do yourself a favour kids - the number one rule for Tinder dates is to make sure your phone is charged before a date and rule number two, make sure he’s been tested before you get laid or at least have the good sense to wear protection.

When you realise this is what friends are for

The guy was definitely not as attractive as his profile let on, but I figured his personality would probably make up for it. First, he attempted to read my palm. He said my palm revealed that I experienced trauma in my teens and asked what it was.

Next, he tried to teach me how to salsa. He said “The guy has to hold the girl as closely as possible.” He pulled me tight and I noticed he had a huge boner. This made me really uncomfortable so I pulled away. Then, he started massaging my neck and pulling me into his lap. I told him I was uncomfortable, but he kept doing it. Then I realised, he was on Tinder DURING THE DATE.

Luckily, I have the best friends on the planet who called me and faked an emergency – I even made myself tear up – and left!

I know he was probably trying to come off as sexy and mysterious, but it just comes across as creepy and gross. In these situations, it’s always good to make sure you have a loyal friend, a fake emergency story and some superb acting skills.

When you realise single life is actually great

Although I’ve had plenty of Tinder nightmares, the worst was when I didn’t even have Tinder.

A girl I worked with would always show me the super pathetic and desperate messages from guys trying to fuck. On a night when I was particularly upset about my boyfriend bailing on me that night, she showed me a message from a guy begging her to come over that night. It was my boyfriend of two years. I called him out on it and he claimed that he was on Tinder to look and see if I was on there, saying I proved him right since I saw him on there. I had to remind him that he was hitting on local girls and it wasn’t that hard for me to find out without getting the app myself.

I did download the app that night, though. And was finally able to enjoy the free dinners and drinks and lots of sex.

At least she bounced back fast. Sometimes Tinder can be a wonderful place of free food, sex and finding out your boyfriend ain’t shit.

It’s a small world

Matched with a guy that works right down the hall from me in the mall. He was really nice, super cute and asked me to come over to his house. Well I never did and now his long-term girlfriend started her new job as my assistant manager.

Way to make things awkward in the work place. I think it’s time for a new job?

When you lie on your profile

Before I met my current boyfriend I went on this date with a guy I met on Tinder. He was really sweet, interesting and you know... different.  Anyway, we make plans to go out for coffee and a walk. I was super nervous and excited.

So the next day I waiting for him at a local coffee shop and see him from a distance. As he gets closer I stare in horror at this little dude with a huge ass dog walking towards me. He was super short, old and his dog was just as big as him. I considered to just walk away but I’d feel too guilty.

Anyway, he buys me a coffee, talks for like an hour about how much younger he looked than his age (he didn’t) and how many girls were after him. It was awkward.

I end the day with an excuse to go home right after he suggested we go to his place (I was 18 at the time and he was like.. 45).

I don’t understand why people lie about their age/height on tinder profiles? You’re only making it more awkward for yourself when you meet in person. Although remember we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover – unless your date looks old enough to be your dad then judge away.

The “accidental” dick pic

That really awkward moment when a guy from Tinder seemed really cool. So you give him your number. Then when exchanging selfies. You don’t get a selfie of his face. But of his dick. And he claims it was an accident. I recommended to keep his dick pictures in a separate folder from his general camera roll.

Ahh, the classic dick pic that no girl ever asks for. And when the pic is met with general disgust and disappointment, the same excuse of “Oh sorry! Didn’t mean to send that!” Attention all males: Dick pics are never appreciated!

How to make your class awkward for the rest of the year 101

Well nothing happens for a while but a couple days later I get a notification that I have a match on Tinder. When I go to check it, I had matched with my professor. At this point I burst out laughing and I tell my roommate (who was the only person I had told about the whole situation). Fast forward to my next history class and I’m sitting in there waiting for class to start and he walks in and makes direct eye contact with me. He pales a little and kinda shakes himself to get himself back on track. I kinda laugh to myself as he makes it super awkward when I ask him a question or have any contact with him. I guess he didn’t realise I was one of his students until I had messaged him and he saw me in his class.

The only thing worse than swiping right on your professor is sitting through the most awkward class for the rest of the semester. Moral of the story: Don’t swipe right on your uni professors. 

The Trump supporter (enough said)

Been on a few Tinder dates before, none ever successful. Decided to give this one guy a chance that goes to a university by where I work. We were supposed to go to a hockey game, but he showed up 45 minutes late so we decided to go to dinner instead.

The second we get there, he points out my Bernie Sanders sticker on the back of my car. He then tells me he’s a Trump supporter. I laugh, cause I sincerely think he’s joking. Spoiler alert: he wasn’t.

Talks the entire date about politics, even when we clearly didn’t agree. So I tried to steer the conversation somewhere else. What does he do?? He shushes me like I was a child.  He proceeded to call my tattoos trashy, tell me it’s OK that I have a “naive” political opinion, because “you’re a woman”. 

He drives me back to my car and proceeds to pull his Trump supporter signs out of the back of his truck.  Like that would impress me??? I’m not sure what he was trying to accomplish. 

So then the fucker tries to get in my car. When I ask what he’s doing, he goes, “Are you a virgin?” I promptly ask him how that was relevant, and he says “Well, I kinda just want to gauge how this night’s gonna go”

So I say, “let me paint a picture for you”. And I drove the fuck out of there. Deleted tinder, never going on it again. What a fucking nightmare.

This would be enough to trigger anyone. Just the word “Donald Trump” destroys the sex drive of any human. That on top of being a sexist prick probs won’t be getting this guy laid anytime soon.

The crazy one

We talked for a while and then she asked me to meet her at Steak and Shake. I met her and she was the girl from her pictures, which was a relief. We sit down and start having a normal date type conversation. But then out of nowhere she reveals that she actually has a boyfriend and she’s looking for a guy to use as leverage against him. I told her that I wasn’t interested in that at all and then she gets absolutely weird. She tells me that she’s actually in high school (she was 19 and so am I but I’m in college) and she is going to move to Fort Myers in two months because she wants to become a stripper. She said that she wouldn’t move if she started a stable relationship and got pregnant with me.

At this point I’m pretty freaked out so I tell her that I don’t want to be a part of that but I offer to pay for dinner and we could go our separate ways. She doesn’t take this well. She takes all of the food on the table and throws it on the floor. She takes her drink and pours it on my head before storming out screaming about not being able to find a good man.

I’m very reluctant to use Tinder again.

There’s nothing like a good old fashion crazy person to turn you off dating forever.

Asshat Aaron

So I swiped right on a guy named Aaron, because I believed him to be cute. I mean he wasn’t spectacular or anything, but fair game. We matched, so he instantly messaged me. The conversation started out boring, but he hadn’t said anything about having sex with me, so I kept messaging him. We began to talk about how we were different than most of our gender. Except he believed that I wasn’t different solely because I am a blonde. He told me that because I was blonde, he would “have something on me in the future”. I proceeded to tell him that I was, in fact, a smart person, as I have a full tuition scholarship to a major university, a 4.2 GPA, and in the top 10 per cent of my graduating class. This asshat Aaron told me “aww so you’re a smart blonde” and how he has to “see it before he believes it”. Needless to say, he sucks. And he deserves whatever shitty Tinder hookup (or lack thereof) he gets.

As a blonde I have only one thing to say. Screw you Aaron.

Sophie Nicolas

Sophie is studying a Bachelor of Arts in creative writing and is an aspiring writer, dog enthusiast and thrift shop fashion icon.

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