Ten lies every student's told

May 08, 2015
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Lying is an inescapable part of the human experience. While lies are incredibly annoying and we hate being told one, quite frankly we all do it. Often. In fact, you’re probably lying right now and telling yourself you have time to read this article, while that essay you’re supposed to be writing is practically collecting dust. But some lies are pretty universal, uttered regularly by virtually every uni student just trying to bluff their way out of sticky situations.

“I’ve done the readings for this week.”

You’d think we all would’ve learned by now that the tutor can see us fumble through our course reader desperately trying to answer the question he or she just asked. And yet this one’s still dropped around three times per tutorial.

Pro tip: Some sporadic highlighting and gibberish note-taking can help make your lie seem a little more believable.

“I’ll start this assessment well before the due date.”

It’s 10.59pm on the day your assessment was due. After a restless night of ingesting obscene amounts of coffee, scrambling for any sliver of information to reach the word count, and the occasional tear rolling down your cheek, you realise your hopes for proactivity were made under a false pretence.

“I’ve bought the textbook.”

Let’s face it: the amount of hours we spend looking for a cheaper online edition of the prescribed textbook (only to just give up) is probably equal to the time it would take to earn enough money to buy the real thing.

“Ps get degrees!”

In other words what we tell ourselves to make not trying an OK thing to do. You gotta love forever striving for mediocrity.

“I’m not on Tinder…”

…you say as you swipe left while shooting the odd look over your shoulder to make sure no one knows your shame.

“I’m not drunk.”

Whether you’re declaring this to your mate who’s barring your access to the fridge for more beer, the seco at the club who won’t let you in, or your tutor who’s preventing you from getting much needed sleep by rudely disrupting you with questions about the work you should have done, everyone has uttered this phrase. And the majority of the time, these three words have been spoken (read: slurred) when, in fact, you’re probably the drunkest you’ve ever been.

“Uni’s going great, thanks!”

This one’s a gem at family gatherings. Nothing like a little fib to deter your prying older relatives from knowing that instead of spending last night studying, you were drunkenly eating a kebab at 3am and telling your best mate how much you love them, and are now desperately trying to conceal your brutal hangover.

“I’m not worried about HECS…”

This one’s probably anchored in a little truth, but likely just because we all avoid thinking and talking about it. However the reality of the situation is that eventually the big, bad government will deduct your HECS debt and make a noticeable dent in your weekly income. We’ll see just how worried you are then.

“I reckon I’ll get a job after uni.”

This one kind of depends on what degree you’re studying. For a communications student like myself, getting a job after graduating is about as likely as receiving my acceptance letter to Hogwarts. But I still remain hopeful about both.

“I can’t wait to graduate!”

Yes, you can. This lie might be worth keeping quiet for a while, because after procrastinating your way through your entire degree, you’ll probably be hit with the epiphany that your university experience has been the best time of your life and you’re just not ready for it to end.

Jackson Langford

Jackson is studying a Bachelor of Communication degree at the University of Newcastle and is the rightful heir to the throne.

Image: Michiel Jelijs, Flickr Creative Commons license