President Trump would actually be a good thing for humanity
Donald Trump is a polarising figure. Some find his policies as thin and unsettling as the weird purple skin around his eyes, while others see him as the second coming of a gassy capitalist Jesus. He is, after all, trying to “make America great again” (although I must have skipped the chapter on American history where the White House was the Perpetually Tanned House, and Airforce One had a Jacuzzi deck).
Whatever camp you’re in, it’s generally agreed that the Orange Baron’s ascendance to the presidency of the United States would change the face of global politics forever. But I believe in silver linings, no matter how obnoxious the cloud. Here are seven ways a Trump administration would benefit humanity.
Disclosure: Donald Trump’s hair is a rich area for comedy and I will be taking full advantage. I’m sorry, but you can’t really blame me.
The other countries might forget about Abbott
Australia will no longer be the George Costanza of the First World. Sure, we elected a big-eared biggot whose best answer to climate change was knighthoods and ass-pinching, but at least our country has never been lead by a Fanta-faced man-baby with frankfurts for fingers and some poor bastard’s terrier for a head.
People might actually be scared enough to start voting again
Voter turnout declined at the last presidential election, and it’s not expected to pick up again come November, even with Trump’s compelling campaign of shouting “Vote!” at passing strangers.
But hopefully, after four years of Donald grubbing up the Constitution with suntan lotion and gold Sharpie pen, the 2019 election will tell a different story.
Discrimination against bigots will finally be taken seriously
With the Donald at the helm of the free world, no longer will we be constrained by the chains of political correctness. People will once again be able to tell it like it is, a virtue stripped from Western democracies in their petty pursuit of ending entrenched racism.
So if (when) the Trumpster takes the Oval Office, I say it’s time to let your verbal and moral hair down. If you have a problem with a certain minority, exercise your right to free speech and tell them to shut up. Don’t let anyone disrespect your right to disrespect theirs!
New forms of international diplomacy
As Trump (nee Drumpf) plans on running America like a snotty chatroom admin and banning anyone he disagrees with, the collapse of international relations will only be a matter of time. As a consequence, countries will have to find new ways of having relations with each other – this could be the birth of what history will remember as Snapchat Diplomacy.
Women will finally have a president they can drool over
Just imagine running your hands through, out of – and back into – those Trump LocksTM. It would be like plunging your hands into divine, Cheeto-stained vermicelli.
Less American tourists in Cancun
The upside to Trump’s Ming Dynasty-inspired immigration policy? That giant wall on the Mexican border will keep the tequila lines short and the airports free of Hawaiian shirts.
We’d finally be free to marry our cousins!
The long-held dream of Shelbyville Manhattan might become a reality under a Trump presidency, since the cheese-haired charmer has stated numerous times that he wouldn’t mind dating his daughter Ivanka Trump (whom Donald conceived back when his hair was still attached to its original owner, which I assume went extinct somewhere deep in the Amazon).
Once the inevitable Ivanka Reform Act is passed, Shelbyvillians everywhere will be waiting with clenched genes for legislative bleed-over.
Of course, all of the above is pure conjecture. The reality of president Trump will probably look more like this.
Business major, journalism minor and sometime voice-actor, Joel Svensson pretends to be smart at La Trobe University in Melbourne.