If Aussie PMs were Defence Against the Dark Arts professors

September 22, 2015
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With Tony Abbott’s recent booting from the coveted prime ministerial throne being the second time that betrayal has laden the halls of Parliament House in three years, we couldn’t help but draw comparisons between the PM position and a certain fictional profession. Yes, the revolving door that is the Defence Against the Dark Arts post at Hogwarts is echoed by the stream of prime ministers we’ve had in recent years – and there are some quite uncanny resemblances among those who’ve taken up each job.

Malcolm Turnbull – Professor Snape

The connection between Snape and Turnbull is actually fairly remarkable. Snape lived his entire life wanting the Defence Against the Darks Arts position, but got the Potions Master job instead. Similarly, Malcolm Turnbull got ridiculously close to Kirribilli Lodge multiple times, but was always pipped at the post.

So how did these two men eventually nab the position they so dearly coveted? They did so via a merciless and blindsiding betrayal of their respective superiors. Poetic, isn’t it?

Let’s just hope, like Snape, Turnbull’s doing this for the right reasons.

Julia Gillard – Mad-Eye Moody

There’s more to the Gillard/Moody comparison than chin length red hair. Julia Gillard was one of our more unpopular PMs, but she nevertheless remained pretty firm throughout the entirety of her served term. Everything she said was eloquent and well thought out, whether you agreed with it or not. In some ways, Moody also embodies this tough but fair spirit – although only time will tell if Julia Gillard is who she says she is and not some imposter who ODs on Polyjuice Potion.

John Howard – Professor Lupin

With old John “Eyebrows” Howard being the only prime minister in recent memory to serve a prime ministerial term for a length that isn’t laughable, he’s earned a bit of our respect. Remus Lupin was a Defence Against the Dark Arts professor for only a year, but he was easily one of our favourites. Respect is hard to gain in either profession, so credit has to be given once it has been earned.

And that’s not to mention that Howard’s eyebrows are eerily reminiscent of those of a werewolf’s. Hmm, we've got our eye on you, Johnny. Let’s keep those Sydney runs in broad daylight, eh?

Kevin Rudd – Professor Lockhart

God love ‘em both, right? They both gave it a red hot go. Sure, one was a total fraud and the other just wanted to make people happy, but both of them really tried.

The powerhouse that was Kevin ‘07 was perhaps the most marketable of recent PMs and he seemed to be here, there and everywhere. Lockhart’s lifestyle was equally fast-paced and action-packed, but only before we found out he was just taking credit for what other wizards had done.

While both inevitably fell by the wayside, they both did their bloody best, and is that not the true-blue spirit our glorious nation has embodied since we were federated?

Edmund Barton – Professor Quirrell

On the note of federation, we’ve gotta pay respect to the OG PM. Both of these guys were first in office, and both of them were soon forgotten. May they both rest in peace (or, in Quirrell’s case, pieces).

Tony Abbott – Professor Umbridge

We’re really stating the obvious here, right?

Jackson Langford

Jackson is studying a Bachelor of Communication degree at the University of Newcastle and is the rightful heir to the throne.

Image: Harry Potter official Facebook page