How to not be a festival wanker

July 22, 2016
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We all know that music festivals are an integral part of student culture. However, some might say that being a tosser is also part of student culture. Can you really blame them? The amount of nights we’ve wasted sitting in the gutter at 3am eating a kebab is pretty embarrassing.

And you don’t have to look very far for that same tosser attitude at festivals. Dickheads, dickheads everywhere you look! But, it’s important to note that there’re a few easy steps you can take to not be a festival wanker and we implore you to take heed.

Don’t tell anyone who will listen that “this band’s older stuff was better”

Legitimately no one could give fewer shits. Considering everyone’s there to have a good time and see a band that they may have loved 10 years ago or just discovered yesterday, why must you feel the need to dampen people’s spirits by complaining about a band who’re performing right in front of you? Quit your bitching and enjoy yourself!

Don’t let off a motherfucking flare

Letting off flares is the equivalent of tattooing “I’ll never amount to anything” across your forehead. Despite the severe danger it puts others in within a small radius, it’s the reckless indifference for other people’s wellbeing that truly makes you a piece of shit.

Yeah they might look cool, but I can guarantee the giant lawsuit coming your way from the girl on your left who you’ve left with third degree burns will look significantly less cool. They’re considered incredibly dangerous, every festival on the planet has banned them, and artists have walked off stage due to some being let off so how about you don’t, hey?

Don’t start shit with the secos

This one’s tricky, because as much as we should respect figures of authority (like secos because they’re there for our own benefit) some of them are complete tossers as well and completely abuse their power.

However, nine times out of 10 they’re doing the right thing AKA helping you out of the crowd if you can’t take it, and giving those in the front water because lord knows they need it.

There may be one or two wankers among us who feel the need to get riled up at said secos because they think it makes them look tough or something, but it just makes them look stupid when they get kicked out of the festival because they couldn’t keep their inner-dickhead quiet.

Do NOT wear a Native American headdress

Are we still having this conversation? It’s 2016 so get a grip. Any form of cultural appropriation can be really offensive, so I’m not too sure why people still think it’s cool to don aspects of certain cultures they know nothing about.

If they did, they wouldn’t be wearing them while getting plastered off their rocker. What’s worse is that when you try and call people on their bullshit, they get all defensive and tell people to stop being so sensitive. Yeah, alright mate.

Jackson Langford

Jackson is studying a Bachelor of Communication degree at the University of Newcastle and is the rightful heir to the throne.

Image: Future Music Festival 2013Flickr Creative Commons license