How to lose a thirsty guy in 10 ways

February 08, 2017
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The word ‘thirsty’ gives me goosebumps in the same way that the words ‘moist’ makes most people feel uncomfortable. Used in a phrase to express desire, ie “Thirsty AF”, literally makes me cringe- both at the word and the thought of that person wanting me to quench that particular thirst. But how do you politely tell someone you’re not interested? And if not politely, just in the least awkward way?

Say no

The effectiveness of straight out saying “I’m not interested” depends on how forward their approach has been thus far. If he’s asked you out for coffee, probs not best to play the “No, please back off” card. If it’s less sincere (and in the early hours of the morning) then go for gold.

Say nothing

Try a gradual end instead. Don’t reply immediately or sit next to him in lectures as frequently. Just generally tone down all interactions. It’s a slow burning process, but (hopefully) it lets them down easy and gives them time to adjust to the situation.

Say “No comprendo.”

Pretend you don’t understand English anymore. If that doesn’t work, try playing like you don’t quite understand his advances. If you’re at a party and he wants to “Go find a quiet spot to chat” just say “Why? It’s fun here!” Or if he wants to grab a drink together, propose you invite friends. Ignorance is bliss after all.

Move on

Bit of a maverick move, but making out with someone else in front of him at a party is quick and efficient. Alternatively, blatant flirting also works.

Move country

High success rate. High complexity. Nothing says “We can’t be together” like being outside of each other’s physical proximity by thousands of kilometres. This tactic can also work on a needs basis – “Oh sorry, I’m busy camping this weekend!”. Tailor to suit your needs.

Ask him if you’re friends

This was suggested to me by girlfriends so it serves as an excellent peer-reviewed source. By innocently asking “Hey, we’re friends, right?” you take away any uncertainty. It’s not easy to have hard feelings against someone who asked nicely too, so this is guaranteed to minimise drama.

Tell him that you’re friends

Personally, I think the previous point might invite too much risk. What if they answer with “No”? ABORT. The classic friendzone tactic of “I’m so lucky to have a friend like you” is shallow and awful and awkward but at least it’s a compliment. Kind of.

Set him up with a friend

If he’s a nice guy, why not try set him up with a friend you think might like him? If he’s not a nice guy, why not set him up with a friend you don’t like? Problem solved! (I’m joking about that last one, I think).

Out-banter him

Nothing dulls the mood like obscure Simpsons references and only communicating through emojis. He asks “Hey, you free tonight?” and you reply with emojis like *flag, pencil, cloud, grapes, running man* and he’ll be off your case in no time.

If all else fails, lie

Or do what we all inevitably do which is lie and say something like “I’m not looking for anything right now” or “I’m still into my ex”. You feel bad, he feels bad and the world feels bad.

I doubt Kate Hudson would have had so much trouble getting rid of Matthew McConaughey if she’d followed these suggestions. He’s super creepy in True Detective so I’d recommend moving country. He is a detective though so he’d probably find her. Whelp.

Danica Lamb

Danica is a Laws Masters kid at UWA. She enjoys cheap coffee and 80s pop music.

Image: How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days official Facebook page