Four ways you might be sabotaging your relationships

June 29, 2017
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We would all like to believe that any fight, stalemate or petty dig in a relationship is inherently not our fault (most of the time) but just them being weird, distant and/or stubborn. Although sometimes (most of the time) it’s probably us being weird, distant and/or stubborn. It sucks. And the first step to stopping it is by getting called-out on it. So, here we go.

Over-thinking

Oh lordy. Ain’t we all 100 per cent guilty of this. I recently found myself saying that “We went out on a date – but his elbow was at least 60cm away from mine so not flirty at all”. And elbows aren’t the worst of it. Reading into every single interaction is beyond unhealthy. It’s made worse when you can check the last time they were ‘active’ or how many snaps they’ve sent in the last hour to judge why you’re being left on seen.

Then there is the social media stalking of Facebook, tagged photos and Instagram all the way back to 2009. God forbid you accidentally like something. Whatever you find will probably not have enough context provided and you’ll end up overanalysing that too so just stop. Exit Instagram. Close Snapchat. Turn your brain off.

Under-talking

So while you’re busy over-thinking, you’re not busy talking to your partner. You’re playing it cool. Ice-cold. Heart of ice. So chill. The most chill. Literally anything to avoid being seen as a ‘crazy girl’ who wants to talk about feelings and asking “So, what are we?” I’m done being afraid of labelling a relationship. The label doesn’t have to be Facebook official, just understood by both parties. There is never going to be a good time to say anything either, so best just blurt it out and prepare yourself for whatever comes next.

Asking for everyone’s opinion, except theirs

An extension of ‘under-talking’ is the tendency to ask ALL of your friends and ALL of his friends what they think a text message means, rather than just hitting him up with a “Pls explain” reply. Your friends have even less context than you do so it ultimately becomes a ‘blind leading the blind’ type situation.

Once the cat is out of the bag, it’s hard to stop people talking about it too. Gossip spreads like wildfire and the next thing you know he’s asking “Why do I have to hear you’re not happy from someone else?” Not a great way to kick off a relationship. Be open. Be direct. Be conservative with what you share with friends.

Being overly dramatic

Who doesn’t love a dramatic exit?! While there might be hurt feelings behind it, it’s probably not ultra-mature. While drama always seems to accumulate at a party (is there some scientific reasoning for this?) probably best to keep the drama low and the reactions tame.

Take a deep breath, don’t be afraid to TALK about something and leave when it’s best to. There’s also the glorious moment where you decide “I will not be toyed around anymore” and you delete their number. That’s not going to solve any problems. No really, it’s not (even if it’s therapeutic AF). Let them know what’s up and then suggest you cool things down if you’re unhappy. Mature, cathartic and rational.

TBH this is just a list of things that are hard to do. And it’s hard because it will always be easy and fun to overanalyse things with your friends rather than to admit you’re confused, or that the other person is potentially not as interested as you hope. It sucks but at least you can be certain, and that counts for something.

Danica Lamb

Danica is a Laws Masters kid at UWA. She enjoys cheap coffee and 80s pop music.

Image: The O.C.

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