Five reasons Jacqui Lambie should be promoted to Prime Minister

November 19, 2014
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It’s not unusual for Jacqui Lambie to be in the headlines. Any why would it be? A politician as ambitious as she is bound to go places.

This time she’s been sadly demoted by the Palmer United Party as deputy Senate leader and deputy party whip for failing to attend party meetings. Luckily for her, she’s now been barred from said meetings and essentially given an ultimatum by big ol’ Clive Palmer to challenge his leadership, resign, or grow the fuck up and do her job. To me that kind of seems like every available option, but hey why not?

The real issue here, however, is that she hasn’t been promoted. As a lady who is according to Clive, “focused on her own quest for power”, she clearly has the ambition and vision to lead us into a Tasmanian-driven future. Here are five reasons I’m voting Jaquie 4 PM.

She’s a genius

An issue that many people have with politicians in general is that they tend to have a very basic understanding of everything, often leading to the modern phenomenon of the ‘gaffe’. Jacqui on the other hand managed to get elected despite having the public image of someone with the intelligence of a donkey. A lucky break? I think not.

With her impressive misunderstanding of Sharia Law and the logic behind her public claims that the Afghan’s first policewomen Malalai Kakar (a burqa wearing Muslim) who was gunned down in 2008 would have been totally pro banning the burqa, Jacqui wants you to think she’s a moron.

The giveaway however, is her uncertainty to the name of her own damn party and her good spelling skills. She wrote an article in the Tasmanian Times saying “The Australia United Party will give an immediate Duty off Care to the men and women…” among dozens of other grammatical mistakes. No-one’s that dumb. She’s totally manipulated her way to the top from the inside.

She’s in touch with the people

She’s pro conscription. She’s anti gay marriage. Her vision for Australia revolves around the only state that isn’t actually attached. Jacqui mate, you tick all the boxes of what people want. I for one love the prospect of being forced into the army and not being able to marry a man. And her success in this has been seen by the fact that she’s basically a household name – more than I can say for most other senators.

And nothing makes a politician more ‘in touch’ than the ability to share a joke with your people. Like the time she announced on the radio that her ideal guy has “heaps of cash” and “a package between their legs”, before asking a 22-year-old caller if he was “well hung”. Good one Jac!

She’s a patriot

This is probably the most important thing a politician can be. She’s served in the Army (before trying to sue them for not enough pension). She’s against the idea of our grandchildren becoming “slaves” to our arch-enemy (and major trading partner), China. She’s against Sharia Law (or any other way of living that doesn’t fit in with her ’Strayan way of life). Jacqui Lambie is a patriot that will always put this nation first.

Unless she’s forced to take sides between the well hung Vladimir Putin and our budgee smuggling PM.

She has impeccable fashion sense

Enough with the black suits and blue or red ties – we want our PM to represent the fashionably astute members of this country. And what better article of clothing to do this with than Jacqui’s signature yellow scarf? Good looking and practical in the cold climate of Tasmania.

She’s a constant stream of entertainment

Described by Clive as a “drama queen”, and as someone who has no issues publically talking out against members of her own party, Jacqui has single-handedly turned the PUP party room into the Big Brother house. Combine that with all the hilarious shit she’s said over the years and the evening news will never be boring and dry.

All in all, while Lord Tone has almost all of these qualities (with exception of his fashion sense…unless he’s at the beach of course), Jacqui clearly does it all even better. Lambie 4 PM.

Sam Caldwell