Eight lies anyone living with their parents has told

February 07, 2016
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Once all your friends have moved out and you’re the last straggler still at home surviving off your parents, you get to a point where the temptation to just lie about where you live is too great. Maybe you can’t move out because you can’t support available work and study, or maybe you're at the tail end of your degree and can’t afford the distraction. Whatever the case, here are some of the lies you’ve probably told, and that I definitely have.

“I usually do my own laundry.”

While it’s far from the truth, if I meet you at a party I will go out of the way to make sure you know I do my own laundry. You ask me what I study, I’ll tell you I do my own laundry. Hobbies? Laundry. Single? Laundry. While the reality is that you haven’t done the laundry since you asked Mum how the washing machine worked at age four, it’s imperative that, to retain dignity, everyone must know – or at least think - you are laundry literate.

“I’m having a disagreement with my housemates…

..and that’s why you guys can’t come around drunk as hell at 3am.”

This one only works on people you’ve met that night, so be warned not to go spilling this one in front of people who know your humble abode well, lest you get called out by the pack and humiliated forever.

“I often make my own dinner.”

To be fair, at around age 23 the human body gets sick of McDonald’s, and most people take up an interest in cooking. But to be equally fair, it wasn’t usually me doing the actual cooking more than it was my sister or mother, and it probably isn’t you mastering feasts each night when there are essays to write.

“I help around the house.”

What this really means is that you might vacuum the house once a month, but most of us are staying away from the power tools. That’s why, if asked, I will insinuate that I am power tool-proficient and that I totally fix cupboard doors, when really the family handyman is one of Dad’s old mates from the ’70s.

“It’s alright though, because I totally pay rent.” 

I’ll admit that there are parents out there stricter than mine, but I’d be surprised to find out that the default parent majority made their young adult children pay rent equal to real-world rates. You might forward the occasional $100 into a family spend or bill, but you know you’re deliberately misleading people when you say you’re getting hit up for hundreds each fortnight in the very same house you grew up in.

You also refer to your parent/s as a landlord 

This one’s bound to come out at some point. Maybe you’re deflecting more drunken revellers or trying to explain to a potential love interest what’s on your mind without wanting to be like, “Yeah, sorry, I got in an argument with Mum this morning and I probably shouldn’t push it.” In your defence, that isn’t exactly the most compelling thing to tell someone, so maybe just stick with a landlord dispute instead.

The rules you’ve always had are now tenancy agreements

No smoking inside the house? Strict landlord. No strangers in the house after midnight? Strict landlord. Landlord, landlord, landlord, all the way. You might refer to your landlord as “Dad” behind closed doors, but as far as your acquaintances know, you’re brave for sticking it out with such a monster.

“I totally hate it.”

No, you don’t. 

Jonathon Davidson

Jonathon is studying journalism at Murdoch University in Perth.